Mel's Journey

As I write this I am taking a break from my work while sitting in my pajamas on the couch. Like many people I am working from home. I am extremely grateful that I work as support staff at a school. A position that is needed when trying to support our poor teachers attempting to re-write their curriculum for the rest of the year, teach, and somehow learn new technology skills while simaltaneously teach them to their students. During this time I have gone through many emotions varying in the good, the bad, and yes even the beauty.

Let’s talk about the bad first:

-The loss of livelihood and income for so many people. So many people have lost jobs or simply don’t have any income coming in right now.

-The closing of churches: assembling together with other believers is an important part of the Christian faith. Not being able to gather for weeks especially in the midst of a crisis and approaching Easter is so challenging.

-The insanity and greed that is going on by those hoarding resources.

-Not being able to access resources such as medical appointments for on-going medical issues or people having to receive medical care without the support of families such as a women having to go through labor alone because spouses aren’t allowed in the hospital at the time.

Now for the good:

-The level of technology available- I am so aware of how much more difficult this would have been even 10 years ago in terms of communicating and working with students at a distance.

-Parents being able to spend time with their kids

-Just a slower pace to life. Not feeling like it’s essential to be constantly busy.

Now for the beautiful

-The creativity and resourcefulness shown by people all over: churches finding ways to gather together by having drive-in services or local businesses moving to drive thru services.

-The generosity of people willing to purchase groceries or needed items to those who are in the vulnerable population and cannot go to the store themselves.

-Communities coming together to provide meals and resources for kids who rely on the school for breakfast and lunch who otherwise would not have food.

-More time to spend with God. Just taking commuting time (for me 45 minutes each way ) gives so much more time for study and prayer.

I know if you are in the position of not knowing how you can pay your bills or are suffering form the virus or are a very lonely and down extrovert know that ultimately all of this is in God’s hands. Take the extra time you’ve been given and turn towards the Lord. He will carry you and be your strength at this time.

I’ll leave you with these encouraging scriptures:

Casting all your care upon him; for He careth for you

1 Peter 5:7

Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment. Behold the fowls of the air; for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

Matthew 6:25-26

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

We live in a time wherethe golden rule seems to have been given a new definition.

The golden rule is found in Matthew 22:36-40 (it’s also present in the OT and a few other places in scripture).

Master, which is the greatest commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all they soul, and with all they mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Matthew 22:36-40

It’s not the “love thy neighbor” part that is the issue (although we could always use help in that area), it’s the “as thyself” that has become an issue these days even in Christian circles.

We used to see this verse as: treat your neighbors as you would want to be treated. The expectations that you have for how others should treat you, should be how you treat others.

But our culture says that we should focus on loving ourselves so that we can love others; that we must learn to love ourselves first.

Ummm… last time I checked we tend to love ourselves too much. To love yourself by the world’s standards means that your needs and priorities must be met first. Once you’ve addressed your own needs and once you have found your fulfillment then (and only then) can you turn around and try to help others.

The problem with this logic is:

The heart is deceitful, above all things, and desperately wicked…

Jeremiah 17:9

Our hearts are wicked and once we find fulfillment in whatever we are seeking we will find more needs that need to be met within ourselves. As humans we are innately selfish and desire to acquire things, popularity, money, and anything that boosts ourselves up. Fulfilling our own needs and desires so that we can love ourselves just leads to a bottomless well. We will never be fulfilled when looking to our own needs and wants.

Do I think that we should hate ourselves?

No. I just think that loving yourself doesn’t have anything to do with the golden rule or self-esteem. It is recognizing who you are in Christ. The Bible tells us that we are made in the image of God (Genesis 1-3) and are “wonderfully and fearfully made” (Psalm 139:14). It doesn’t matter if I’m cute by the world’s standards, sick, skinny, overweight, the color of my skin, not strong enough, disabled in some way, or even whether I wear braces or not. I am defined by Christ and His word, nothing else.

We need to turn outward and focus on how we are treating others not on our own wants and desires.

In mid-January I stumbled upon a new planner. I am mildly obsessed with planners and almost never manage to use the same one for very long. I think 6 months is my record. Anyhow I think I stumbled on this via an aid on social media and I must say that I’ve come to love it. This planner is called the “Prayerful Planner” and is made by a small family run company.

I purchased the petite planner because I like portability and literally carry my planner with me everywhere.

Inside there are goal setting pages, a vision board, and a sheet for your word of the year.

The main pages have spots for: Priorities, To-do’s/Appointments, Praise and Gratitude, Physical Health, Post-it, and Prayer Journal.

There is so much room for customization and doing what you want with it. That is one of the things that I appreciate about it so much.

Here’s a sample of what one of my recent days looked like (one of my favorites so far).

This brings me to my one main criticism of the planner…there is no room for sermon notes. Since it is a planner specifically marketed to believers I would expect there to be one.

They do have one in their new prayer journals which just launched in early March 2020. Yes, I have ordered one of those too. Besides the quality of their product being good they have really good and upfront customer service which is becoming hard to find these days.

If you want to check them out you can find them at: https://www.prayerfulplanner.com/ (not an affiliate link).

I have gone back and forth on lent. Every year I debate and try to figure out should I celebrate it, should I not? Growing up my church didn’t talk about lent at all. We didn’t really follow the church calendar which is not necessarily a bad thing. I knew a few people who celebrated lent but it was really a non-thing to me. Then I went to a Catholic college. Lent was huge: the cafeteria didn’t serve meat on Fridays during it, everyone (besides me and like 2 other people) had ashes on their forward on Ash Wednesday, and what are you giving up for Lent was a big conversation starter leading up to it.

Needless to say I had to do some thinking and figure out if this was something that I was going to practice or not. The funniest part was when I would ask my Catholic friends why they did it and what it meant they had a hard time answering me. Some of them just said it’s just because that’s what Catholics do.

From what I have discovered online and via the few friends that actually gave a reason it seemed that they were in 2 camps:

1. To commemorate the 40 days of fasting that Christ spent in the desert at the beginning of his ministry.
2. To prepare our hearts for Easter- that giving up something points our hearts towards Christ’s sacrifice.

In looking in those reasons I don’t see anything inherently anti-biblical about practicing lent but at the same time it’s not actually a scriptural suggested or mandated practice either. Which leaves some of us sitting in the middle trying to figure out if it’s worth it, practical, or good…

As I said I have gone back and forth in practicing lent. Never have I actually done it the full Catholic sense of it (there are tons of rules and exceptions to it). But, I have given up things (ie caffeine or social media) for those 40 days in celebration of turning my heart towards the cross and Easter.

I do remember reading sometime that the practice of Lent has it’s roots in church history. That new believers would fast something for the 40 days leading up to Easter and then they would be baptized on Easter Sunday. I think that’s kind of cool.

This year Ash Wednesday (the date lent starts) was Feb. 27th so by the time this post is published we’ll be a few weeks into it. I don’t plan to give anything up for it. Instead I think I will work on focusing on Christ’s sacrifice itself and the beauty that it is finished and complete. That His atoning work on the cross means my sins are paid in full.

In my recent posts I commented on some of my struggles with my faith as I’ve faced depression and chronic illness over the last few years. So, I wanted to write out a post about the things that I looked into during that period. Facing hardship and struggle often makes you question what you believe. True beliefs always end up being strengthened when you question and dig into them. I am glad to be able to say that my period of questioning had the end result of a stronger faith.

I am not an expert nor do I claim to be. That is one of the beautiful things about God is that the gospel message is so simple to understand yet so complex and powerful in it’s fullness. I am listing out the reasons that I believe in the God of the Bible and therefore the Bible itself. I am listing out the basics of what I believe now but not in much detail or with an exhaustive list of where I found this information. I am doing this on purpose because I want others to dig in and research these things for themselves. I will link to some good starting places in research at the bottom.

I believe in the God of the Bible because:

1.) The consistency and continuity of the Word of God. Despite what the general internet seems to believe if you dig into Biblical scholarship you will find am amazing wealth of information about this topic. There is an unbroken lineage of our scripture from the time of the New Testament church to the present. History even establishes the existence of a real Jewish man that matches Jesus’ description and the basic historic events of His life. Not to mention the amount of fulfilled prophecy found within it’s pages.

2.) Science and Philosophy-Yes, you read that correctly. The Bible is and always has been accurate with regards to science. That is not to say that the church has always gotten it right but the Bible itself always has. A lot of people think that you have to put away your intellect to believe in the Bible and in the God of it but that is simply not true. Christians have logic and science on their side. Obviously I don’t agree with a lot of what modern science believes to be true at this time (especially in the sense of trying to figure out the past using science). A podcast that I recently listened to put it this way:

If we are talking about a current or ongoing topic I trust the data that modern science produces, I just don’t trust their conclusions.

Sheologians Podcast with Dr. Jason Lisle (paraphrased)

3.) The Work of the Holy Spirit. Thirdly I have seen and felt the work of the Holy Spirit in my life and in the lives of others around me. I have seen many prayers answered and felt the comfort and peace that only He can give in this crazy world. I don’t believe that feeling and emotion should guide your beliefs (the “feelings make my beliefs” mentality, in my opinion, is one of the main reasons for many of our culture’s current problems) which is why I have listed this as last. The evidence of the Holy Spirit working is not a feeling because seeing a change in someone’s life and behavior and healings are factual evidence of His work.

I could probably keep going but these are the basics of what it boils down to. Here are some resources* that I have found helpful in exploring these concepts:

• The Bible- This should be our first and most read resource in investigating the Bible.
• Sheologians-Summer Jaeger and Joy Hunter: They have recently started a new series on how Christians should relate to environmentalism and caring for the earth which has been really awesome.
• Bible Thinker-Mike Winger
• Alpha and Omega Ministries-Dr. James White: Dr. White is an apologist who does debates with other believers as well as non-believers especially many of the cults. I do not agree with many of his attacks against those who use only the KJV but that does not change his valuable insight into the evidences for the Bible and reasons that Christianity is true. He is also a great teacher of church history.
• Answers in Genesis-Ken Ham
• Institute for Christian Research: A KJV only organization that teaches about Creationism.
• Love Thy Body by Nancy Pearcey
• God-Breathed: The Undeniable Power and Reliability of Scripture-Josh McDowell

*Disclaimer: I do not endorse or agree with everything that these individuals believe in terms of side issues. Many of them are solidly in the reformed camp. However, we do have basic agreement on what constitutes the Gospel and the importance of the Bible as the foundation of our beliefs. None of these are affiliate links-I will not make any money no matter your response.

Let the words of my mouth, and the mediation of my heart, be acceptable in Thy sight, O LORD, my strength and my redeemer.

Psalm 19:14

As I’ve pursued fully surrendering to God this year this verse has continually come up. It’s literally something I cannot run away from. It has become a daily addition to my prayer life (sometimes multiple times a day).

If you are not familiar this Psalm was penned by David. Here’s the whole chapter:

1(To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David.) The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork.

2Day unto day uttereth speech, and night unto night sheweth knowledge.

3There is no speech nor language, where their voice is not heard.

4Their line is gone out through all the earth, and their words to the end of the world. In them hath he set a tabernacle for the sun,

5Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race.

6His going forth is from the end of the heaven, and his circuit unto the ends of it: and there is nothing hid from the heat thereof.

7The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple.

8The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes.

9The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether.

10More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb.

11Moreover by them is thy servant warned: and in keeping of them there is great reward.

12Who can understand his errors? cleanse thou me from secret faults.

13Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me: then shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great transgression.

14Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

Psalm 19 is a chapter that is focused on worshiping God. Who He is, His attributes, and revealing that He is worthy of all of our worship and praise.

The last 3 verses, however, are focused on allowing the Spirit to guide us to live as He wishes. To live in a manner that is pleasing before God. This Psalm (especially the last verse) has become a central part of my prayers. Like David, I know that I need God to revive and change me. No matter what I do or think I can do I cannot change myself. I need the power of God working in me to submit to His will and His plan for my life.

I just took a little while and read through all of my old posts on my blog. Some of them I wish I had gone back and read during last fall when I was really struggling with my depression. They really spoke so many truths that I was trying to avoid. It always stinks when you are doing something that you fully well know that it is not good or right.

Anyway, I realized that I had put forth some of my goals and plans for 2019 (here) so I thought I would address how I did in some of them.

2019

1.) Read the Bible and Pray Daily- I did really well the first half the year but coming back from Nicaragua I had a difficult time re-adjusting to normal life and used that as an excuse for getting out of the habit. In late October/early November God really began to convict me and this helped me to end the year on a good note. I did read my Bible thru 2 times (which was an amazing experience).

2.) Read 52 Non-Fiction Books:

3.) Lose weight: Technically this is a check. I did lose about 8-10 lbs.

4.) Memorize 52 Bible Verses

Last year truly was a year of renewal. While parts of the year did not feel that way, God used even that to teach me about Himself and His love for me.

2020

So that leads us into this year which has started out on a much better note.

As mentioned in this post my word for the year is Surrender.

My Goals are:

1.) Exercise 3x a week

2.) Pray Everyday

3.) Read my Bible daily: 4 chapters/ day (started in Gen and just going thru), meditate/study 1 chapter per day ( a random book at a time- I’m currently in Isaiah), 1 Psalm, and 1 Proverb that matches the date of the month

4.) Read 60 Books

5.) Memorize 52 Bible Verses

6.) Floss Daily

I say goals rather than resolutions because these are things that I am aiming to work towards and not things that I am saying I am going to do without fail. So far I am on track and I am praying that God would continue to give me the strength to do so.

In my re-introduction post I mentioned that I struggle with depression. As I was going through some old pictures on my computer today I stumbled upon a picture of a tattoo that I decided I was going to get. This tattoo was supposed to represent the decision I made to live my life how I wanted to live it. My pastor joking refers to this as Burger King Christianity ie Christianity “any way you want it” (I don’t know if that’s original to him).

That’s what I decided on how I was going to live. I believed in God and the Bible still but I was listening to the world’s definition of Him. I was going to be the me that I felt I was at the time and that I shouldn’t have to change anything about me. That if God didn’t like me the way I was, well then tough, because that was how He created me to be. Now looking at this I see the definite selfishness and self-centeredness I had reached at that point. Looking back I see this as the lowest point of my depression.

Some of the backstory: In 2017 I’d had what was supposed to be minor surgery and ended up being major abdominal surgery. Then in the beginning of 2018 I was really struggling and grappling with a lot of things. I was having some (at the time) unexplained health issues and grappling with my understanding of the Bible. All of that contributed to a place of depression. Later in the year I was diagnosed with Chronic Lyme (one of it’s symptoms is depression).

There is a pattern to an onset of, what I call, a depression flare up in my life and ironically the first indication of it is in my spiritual life. I start to rebel against the things of God. It begins with not having interest in reading the Word or just reading a verse here or there. Then I decide well this random book is harmless, it’s just reading about people living how people actually live (aka people doing things that are totally against God’s word) which then becomes well if I’m going to read about it then I can watch it on TV. Finally it becomes if I’m going to watch movies with language and sexual stuff then I might as well be listening to secular music that promotes those things. Eventually I find myself walking away from all the convictions that I know that God has given us through the Word about how we should be living as followers of Christ.

Let’s be clear the doing or not doing of these things does not impact my salvation. I am saved through faith alone, by grace alone. The atoning blood of Christ has covered all of my sins. But, these behaviors and actions are not consistent with the commands of Christ.

If you love me, keep my commandments.

John 14:15-31

Some of you may read these verses and think the Bible doesn’t say you can’t do all of those things. I would agree that it doesn’t explicitly word for word say secular music is bad or that non-Christian books and movies shouldn’t be watched. But in several places it does discuss that we should not be living like the World and be affiliated with darkness. Secondarily, these music and movies tend to promote and encourage sins that I specifically struggle with. It is Biblical to cast aside anything that is distracting you from living how Christ wants you to live.

 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

Matthew 5:30

So I’ve got some sign posts in my life now that tell me when a depressive episode is coming on. I am not great at listening to them myself and am still working on what I need to do in those moments to help stop it from becoming a full blown episode. These are my sign posts that a depressive episode is coming on or I am in the early stages of one:

• Am I starting to lose my passion for time in prayer and reading the Bible
• Am I avoiding or procrastinating on things that I know I have to do?
• Am I trying to find things to “escape” reality? (Meaning am I craving fiction or a movie for the sole purpose of avoiding life)
• Am I craving worldly pleasures like secular music or anything that allows me to lose myself?
• Do I find myself saying “God, I just can’t right now” to things that I know I am called to do (in other words do I want to rebel against dressing a certain way, or helping someone that I should).

I am not perfect and still struggle with this. In fact I had the beginnings of an episode this past weekend and thankfully the Lord pulled me out very quickly. So, what happened this weekend? Well, it goes back to earlier last week where I started avoiding doing what needed to happen around the house (keeping it clean, etc) and started feeling snappy and grumpy towards anyone who asked anything of me. I was struggling to sleep several nights in a row. Then on Friday I decided that I was going to find a fun book on my kindle and it didn’t matter what it was about but I wanted it to be about someone totally different than my world. So I read it and then purchased the sequel to read on Saturday. A day when I should have been interacting with those around me as I sat in a hospital room reading rather than interacting with a family member’s new born baby. And yes, this book was completely inappropriate.

Throughout the day I felt the tugging of the Holy Spirit saying “hey, what are you doing” and yet I persisted. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was doing wrong and I didn’t want to stop and turn. In fact, at one point I even said “Lord, I know but I can’t stop, help me”. Thankfully, the Lord took that request seriously and the spirit kept digging. When I was awoken in the middle of the night between Saturday and Sunday I relented to the Spirit. I took some time to pray and repent before God. I also took some extra steps to ensure that if I decide to go down this path again it is a lot harder (if not impossible) to access those things via my phone.

So my advice if anyone else is struggling through this:

• Read the Bible and pray even when you don’t feel like it. Our relationship with God cannot be dictated by our feelings.
• Express your feelings to God. Cry out to Him. Don’t try to hide how you are really feeling because He knows. He is the main person in the world we never have to hide anything from.
• Learn your sign posts and triggers and then put up obstacles in your path to engaging in these behaviors..
• Get a support team. Have people that you can turn to either for prayer or just to explain your feelings. If it all possible fellow Christians that are willing to call you out and point you to the cross when you need it.

The most important thing of all is go to the cross. Run to the feet of Jesus and He will care for you.

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Yes, I disappeared from the internet for about 7/8 months and now I am back.

Why? Well in all honesty I stopped writing because I was going through a stagnant period in my spiritual life. I felt like I needed to take a step back and focus on living out the things that I was writing about. I felt a need to be honest with myself before I could be honest with the invisible people that read these musings. I also went through a period where my depression was flaring up and that is something that I had to really focus in and deal with.

I find that when my depression is higher I have a much harder time focusing on God. I am drawn to things of the world that help me to escape what I am thinking and feeling rather than confronting the root of what is going on.

That being said, I have returned to this site with a new fervor for God and a renewed desire to share the things He is doing in my life.

2020 has already started out as an interesting year for me. I began it by attending my first ever night watch service on New Year’s Eve and was amazed when the pastor’s message that ended right at midnight was summarized with one word. The word that happened to be my “word of the year”:

SURRENDER

Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

James 4:7

Yes, my goal this year is to fully surrender all things to Christ. To wrap my life around Him instead of trying to squeeze Him into my life. I realized that I need to spend this year not focusing on digging into all the deep theological contests within Christendom (reformed vs. not, can salvation be lost, etc) and instead focus on learning more about Him directly from His word.

I hope to take whoever reads this blog on this journey with me. The journey of digging back into the basics of my faith; of really focusing myself on the things of God.

When you are reading this I will be on my way to Granada, Nicaragua for a week. I am leading a group of students to visit a school and church that we partner with in Nicaragua. We will be leading Bible Schools, visiting neighborhoods to pray and encourage some of the folks there, and painting and helping take care of some needed things at the church.

Instead of a regular post I instead am asking for prayers this week. Pray for our team and especially our students that God will open their eyes to His mercy and grace. That they will see the Spirit of God moving afresh in the lives of the people we encounter. Pray for the children that we will be ministering to that they would see the love of Christ in us. Pray that we would be a blessing to the missionaries that are there year round.

Because of this there will not be a Thursday post this week.